Brits – and commuting in London

God, I can’t tell you how happy I am that it’s FINALLY Friday.

Friday is Track of the Week time…but I thought it was more fun to take the piss of the Brits a little bit. Yes, British people. Those ones who are too polite to tell you that you’ve got poppy seeds on your teeth and then you’ll end up running around all day, smiling at others and getting weird stares. At this point people might not even be staring at you because of the black dots on your teeth, no – it’s because smiling at anyone is WEIRD. Don’t ever communicate or make eye contact with strangers and SMILING IS EVEN WORSE. Seen as I’m currently in London, it’s probably punishable by death. Death by tea-drowning, but don’t forget the shot of milk that will give you the rest. But before that, they will torture you and make you eat soaked biscuits – horrible!

London

London

Anyway, on my commute to work today through the masses of incredibly stressed (and very important) individuals I accidentally ripped off half of someone’s earphones. No, she didn’t hit me with the Metro. Whoops. I am terribly sorry, but I’ll never see you again anyway, so why bother. You know what would help? If people would actually STEP ASIDE when you try and get off the tube, instead of trying to build a human wall and locking you in in the goddamn carriage.

Commuting might be the reason why the English are so good at Rugby: you naturally learn how to tackle your way ANYWHERE (although it’s rarely been seen that rugby players queue for the ball).

Have you ever experienced to literally bump into someone, almost running them over, and they start apologising? An event that would NEVER occur in German speaking countries, where you’d be slated on the streets, followed by decapitation. Not in Britain – people are so incredibly polite that you’d think you’ve really angered someone, if they only end their email with “regards”. Have you kidnapped their cat to get that response?! …or even worse – smashed their mug?  Even if you try and even it out and apologise by ending your next message with “Best wishes” – get over it. You’ll never be friends with them anymore.

Back to commuting – British sources say (this might also only be one person) that it is most embarrassing if you walk around with your skirt tucked into your tights or underneath the ruck sack, “leaving the whole of the 8:30 Northern Line train from London Bridge to High Barnet a nice view of your striped knickers from Primark”. I’m sure you’ll have fun finding that person now!

A spokesperson for the British nation also told me that she once thought a Canadian was a peado, because he offered her ice cream.

The absolutely WORST thing when commuting in London is this: standing on the left side of the escalators. DO YOU PEOPLE NOT GET THAT THE LEFT SIDE IS FOR BUSY PEOPLE WHO ARE IN A RUSH AND THEREFORE WOULD LIKE TO WALK PAST?! Have you ever seen that awkward queue on the left, just because some German tourist hasn’t stepped aside and didn’t bother looking back, at the people piling up on each other just because they can’t stop that abruptly?

Same thing on the streets. Tourists: PLEASE, why is it necessary to stop in the middle of the walkway completely unexpected? Don’t be surprised, if you’ve suddenly got several people running into you. Londoners KNOW how to stop in a crowded area without causing a public catastrophe.

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