How to scare off your friend’s partner



A new relationship is always exciting, adventurous and a bit scary. The most scary thing though is meeting your partner’s best friends or family. Will they like me? What if they don’t?

If you happen to be on the other side of the spectrum – or known as the best friend – it can be quite exciting and scary too, because you obviously only want the best for the people that are close to you! However, if you’re not necessarily a fan of your bestie’s new love (and you feel like the cat below), here’s guidance on how to scare them off. All for your best friend’s own good, of course.


Sceptical Kitten


Make sure you follow the below step by step, in order to walk out as the successful party when you meet your friend’s new love.

1. Give them a proper handshake. Show your friend’s girlfriend/boyfriend who’s the boss by crunching those bones. If they start screaming, pretend you haven’t heard them. Serves you right, bitch!

2. Ask them about their opinion about the latest article in the FT, covering the Indonesian business that went bust the other day. This will make them feel like an integral part of their fiance’s friendship group right away.

3. Change your accent every time your friend’s new love turns their head away from you. Stay committed. This needs to be continued throughout the whole time period you know them. If you have to learn new accents and variations you’ll surely be able to make use of those later in life.

4. Accidentally call them the wrong name. If you want to take this a step further, guide the conversation towards your friend’s ex partners, and don’t forget to mention how awesome ex-girlfriend Kate / ex-boyfriend Tom were and how much you miss them. Lovely and charming.

5. As a rather classy variation – grab your nearest medical book about microbiology of the gastrointestinal tract and take it out with you. When you meet your friend’s partner, whack them over the head with it….or alternatively, just ask them what they thought of the book and be really shocked if they have never heard of it. Faint, if you want to enhance the effect.

6. Wipe your hands on a tissue every time you touch your friend’s new love, or their clothes. Make sure those germs and the dirt is all off.

7. Tell your friend what you think about their new partner – right in front of them. They will appreciate the honesty and transparency.


Good luck!

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